Deep in the heart of Wisconsin sat a forlorn figure, waiting for the arrival of the five intrepid explorers he had invited. He had asked the rest of the admin team, minus Mike, who is awol once again, to fly out to Wisconsin to hold the second annual awards ceremony of afootballforum.com because as a cripple/robot it was impossible for him to make the journey to England or to be able to pass through metal detectors without some middle aged balding man having a feel of his meat and two veg. As a Republican he definitely wasn’t comfortable with this and so flying was now out of the question. Along with the admin team Shakhtar and A.V.F.C had been requested on the journey in order to add a bit of balance to proceedings. If I am being honest I believe Paul knew what he was doing, in his mind the top awards were between the aforementioned pair and so it made sense to be able to present the awards in person. Whether this
is the case we will find out later. Now anyway, you may be wondering why Paul was such a forlorn figure, in fact, you can probably make your own mind up on that one, it could be for a vast array of reasons, but he has been waiting in that old rocking chair outside the front of his bungalow, swinging back and forth, gun in hand, for twenty-one days. The award team unfortunately did not turn up when they were supposed to and he was beginning to get quite frustrated. From what I gather getting everyone together at the same time was a great struggle. In some sort of strange civic duty, Karl was reluctant to leave the shopping centre for fear of Bladesman swooping in and raiding the place,
taking as much Whey Protein as he could fit in the back of the P reg ford he had bought for £25 off Speedy the previous week. Harry was too busy touring the country, pretending to be anyone but himself, and neglecting the duties thrust
upon him by the tyrant in charge of entertainment operations on aff. Mark had spent the past 20 days in the slammer for reasons yet to brought to the public domain. The Daily Star have alleged child trafficking between the third world
city of Manchester and London, but as of yet I cannot confirm or deny. Either way he is doing better than Tom, who is on the brink, drowning in a sea of prediction league scores with steve ‘the maniac’ breathing heavily down his
neck. That, alongside a new full time job and a shite football team, have meant a breakdown is imminent. Finally there is myself, sitting there waiting for the others to be ready to go, shifting all possible blame, because well this is literature,
and since I am writing I can actually say whatever I want. Then again, we are ready to go and you won’t hear from me again until we reach the conclusion of the awards. I hope you’re ready for what is sure to be one of the biggest
nights ever in the entertainment industry.
Arrival Hall - General
Mitchell International Airport: Milwaukee County, Wisconsin, United States
Paul: About time you pricks got here, been sat waiting for three weeks!
Karl: Blame Harry, he’s been doing that drama shite again, The Opinion’s
been filling his head with crazy ideas about the merits of a university course
and he’s been hard to track down.
Nick: No he bloody hasn’t, we have a running commentary in the university
thread about where he is at every breathing moment, even been getting traffic
reports from the lad.
Harry: xDanny asked to be kept updated, and there’s nothing wrong with
doing drama, the sky is the limit, I’ll be in Hollywood before you know it. Why
is Tom hiding behind those chairs?
Karl: He thinks he saw Steve, been tracking him down for weeks
apparently, trying to post scores for games we aren’t even predicting. Last I
heard Tom was being inundated with predictions for the midweek blue square
conference north fixtures, just in case he happened to decide these were bonus
Nick: It’s safe Tom, come out, no one gives a fuck about predictions in
A.V.F.C: Are you sure? I mean I have been trying to deflect the attention
away from myself by asking you about these awards the whole time, and now that
they are done I am going to have absolutely nowhere to hide!
Nick: Quite right too, you’ve been getting off far too lightly, aren’t
you about three months behind?
Paul: Sorry to stop that riveting conversation, but where is Mark?
Harry: Having a few issues at customs apparently…
Mark then comes towards us,followed by two rather large State Troopers.
Trooper#1: We’ve let him through this time, but he’s got an 11pm curfew and
cannot be left alone
Trooper#2: He won’t tell us what he is doing here, but any small slipup and
he’s back on the first plane out of here!
Paul: I understand.
Mark: They just hate United, proper ABU Wankers!
Paul then drives the group back to Brookfield, Wisconsin in his pick-up truck to get on with the award
Storts: Right, as usual I think we should start with the non-aff awards,
as nobody really cares about them apart from Mark
Tom: Pretty sure we’ve had the same categories for about 8 years and
every time people just don’t want to know.
Mark: What do you mean?! Babe of the Year is the most prestigious award
we give it, I mean I personally track down the winner and sit outside their
house until they can accept.
Karl: Think those sort of things are usually best kept to yourself.
Harry: Where do you want to start then? This will take ages if we don’t
get going soon.
Right I suggest doing two awards at a time, lets
start with best single and best album of 2012.
Tom: I’ll do the honours with this one: Single of the Year 2012 – In third place we have Girls Aloud –
Something New, in second place we have the AFF Podcast! Great effort Nick, and
in first place was: FUN – WE ARE YOUNG
Mark: A worthy winner for me, although I don’t think Andrew will too
happy with the choice
Nick: Mark Lanegan shamefully overlooked for another year it seems.
Harry: Lets keep it going. Album of the Year 2012 – unfortunately it was very hard to split, so in joint second
place we saw Fun, Muse, Adele, The Cribs, The Killers, The Black Keys, Frank Ocean, AFF Podcasts,
Portico Quartet, Nightwish, Joey Bada$$ all get votes for their new albums, but in first place was Kendrick Lamar - Good Kid m.A.A.d City
Paul: Seems like a category not many could decide on but that was a great album and deserving of the win.
Tom: Hopefully DaveHarrison will be happy with the choice, speaking of Dave, what’s happened to him?
Karl: Who was he again?
Mark: A former football hooligan, supporting Blackpool, Manchester United, Nice, Newcastle and anybody else that threw a few flares. Last we knew he was either deeply involved in Isle of Man politics or drugged up somewhere in Newcastle, probably Tiger Tiger
Nick: I heard Niall had snuffed him on the sly
Harry: Anything is possible with that Niall fella, proper
shady character, especially in that dodgy Blackburn kit he used to wear.
Paul: Next two we will do are Favourite New Car of the Year and Video Game of the Year. In the Favourite
New Car category in third place were the Dodge Challenger, Chevy Silverado, Blue ones, Ferrari F1 Berlinetta, in second place was Speedy’s P Reg Ford and the winner was the Lamborghini Aventador
Tom: You mean to say we actually had a serious winner of
Harry: Don’t think that has ever happened before, people on
AFF might actually care about it cars?
Nick: They might, but that still didn’t stop Speedy’s P RegFord getting a valiant second place and another honourable mention as well as blue cars being included in the battle for third.
Karl: Well I’m glad the Lambo won, give a bit of credibility to proceedings, similarly for Video Game
of the Year in third place was Black Ops 2, in second place was the Football Manager series and in first
place was FIFA 13
Paul: Seems funny having FIFA 13 winning the 2012 awards really doesn’t it.
Nick: It does but people only really vote things fresh in their mind, I believe we might see that later…
Paul: What’s that supposed to mean?!
Tom: Anyway moving on… We will do three awards in quick
succession. Olympian of the Year is
up first. In third place was Ben Ainslie, in second place was Usain Bolt and
the winner was Mo Farah.
Karl: You can tell how British biased this place is if Usain
Bolt couldn’t win that award, absolute travesty of justice!
Nick: The next award is the Best other sportsman award. In third place was Bradley Wiggins for
his Tour De France efforts. In second place was Phil Taylor and the winner was
quite rightly Andy Murray
Harry: No.8 will be pleased, makes a change for a scot to win
a popularity contest
Tom: Why did you have to say that name Harry, it follows me
everywhere, whatever I do, it is there!
Paul: Stop being so sensitive you pansy
Mark: Southern Softie!
Tom: I’m from the Midlands Mark?
Mark: Anywhere below Manchester is the south, some even call
Karl: Right and the third of this group of awards is Team of the Year. In third place was
Chelsea Football Club
Nick: What a joke,
are we allowing that?
Karl: Unfortunately we have to, stop interrupting. In second
place we saw the European Ryder Cup team. However in the least surprising
result since Arsenal lost to Bayern. The winner is Team GB
Harry: I don’t think any of us can have any complaints with
Mark: Yeah yeah whatever, is it time for the main event now?
Paul: What the AFF awards? I hope so.
Nick: No, he means the Babe of the year, I suppose we will give
him the honours of doing this award.
straightens his bow tie with a glint in his eye and a broad smile across his
Mark: well then here we go. In the Babe of the Year category we have in joint second place Kate Upton,
Helen Flanagan, Yvonne Strahovski, Dutch Hockey Team, Joanna Krupa, Jennifer
Lawrence, Joseph Gordon Levitt, Mila Kunis, Amanda Seyfried, Kelly Brook,
Ashley Roberts, Irene Sofia, Jessica Ennis, Katy Perry. There are a lot of
unbelievable women that have missed out on the star prize.
Tom: I think they all just breathed a huge sigh of relief
Mark: Well I can’t
pause any longer. The winner is Storts,
Nick: Yessss the award I have always wanted, I think the
naked calendar must have swung it my way.
Mark: This can’t be possible! You haven’t done a sex tape!
Paul: I think we
should leave it that way.
Karl: I don’t know
about that, I think there could be a fair demand for it from the likes of Deano
and Bladesman, there’s potential for some serious money to be made there.
Mark: Well im sulking, someone else can do the next award
Tom: Well then Man
of the year is another tight one. In joint second place we saw Alejandro Ordonoz, Bradley Wiggins, Gary
Lineker, David Weir, Tupuc, felix Baumgartner, The Rock, Carl Jenkinson, Joseph
Gordon Levitt, Tom Hardy, Didier Drogba, Tom Hardy. The majority of them well deserving of their
place on the list.
isn’t deserving Tom?
say Jenkinson or there will be an absolute riot!
Tom: I’ll keep it myself then. The winners are Daniel Craig & Storts
Paul: One of them
much more deserving than the other
Nick: No need to put
Daniel Craig down mate, I thought he did a great job in Skyfall
Karl: Can’t believe you already have two awards and we
haven’t even got to the forum ones yet.
Nick: Don’t hate the playa, hate the game,
Mark: Right, I’m moving things on, it’s time for the forum
awards. I think we should start with the
three awards for the sub forums. Premier League Poster of the year, Lower
leagues poster of the year and Other league poster of the year.
Paul: Probably the best idea
Harry: Let us start with Premier League poster of the year
then. It’s usually one of our hardest fought categories.
Nick: Reckon you
stand a chance in it Harry…
Harry: Fuck off, we were in the premier league for half the
year you know!
Karl: Well let’s just see…in The Premier League Poster of the year award third place was Karliitos, in second place was The Opinion and the winner for probably the eighth
year running was A.V.F.C
Mark: Well done Tom, no real surprise there
Nick: Yeah you deserve it as usual, great posting, as
everyone has recognised.
Tom: Appreciate the award guys, expect it to be one of many
tonight. Got to say I am pleased the Opinion has made it in to the reckoning.
Very good poster that deserves some credit.
Paul: Got to echo that sentiment, definitely the best
Arsenal poster on the site, better than that Rodney cu…
Karl: Lets just stop that there shall we, happy with my
third place and time for the second award.
Paul: The Lower Leagues Poster of the
third place was Harry. In second
place was Bladesman
and the winner of this
years award is El-SFio.
Nick: Wow, a very strong category and great to see the much
more regular and improved posting of the one time Super Fuller as been
Harry: I agree, I have really enjoyed posting alongside him
Mark: I think there
is a theme going on here… both of the winners so far support teams that have
been absolutely dire all season!
Tom: Well we need somewhere to vent don’t we
Paul: And we just
enjoy laughing at it afterwards.
Nick: Well I think we have El-Sfio on the line now. Hello
mate can you hear us?
SF: Loud and Clear!
Nick: I am sure you’ve heard the news by now! You’re the
lower leagues poster of the year, how do you feel?
SF: If I am honest, I don’t quite believe it, to beat off
competition such as Harry and Bladesman is ridiculous, there is so much
strength in depth in this category and for the people to vote me is a big
honour. This may be cliché but it’s a dream come to true, can’t thank the
Paul: I feel sick.
Mark: Well done mate,
£15 JJB sports voucher is in the post to you along with your award.
Harry: Moving quickly on to the third main award of the
evening. The Best Other Leagues poster
of the Year. I will be handing out these awards. In third place was No.8. In second place we have Smigfan and the winner of the ‘foreign award’ goes
to SoulDefender. People may question his views in general
chat but he brings so much to the table in this category and is well deserving
of the award.
we have been unable to connect to Souldefender tonight, seems to be a problem
with the US government blocking access to Panama but I can confirm a bottle of
non alcoholic bubbly is on it’s way to you.
Karl: Paul really is being thoughtful this year with the
Nick: The next two
categories we will do often go hand in hand, and no we’re not there yet… I am
talking about Funniest Member and Best General Chat Poster.
Tom: So do you want
me to get things going on those
Mark: Go for it.
Tom: Well then The
Best General Chat Poster of the Year awards go to: Tosh, Arlo, Deano, AVFC, Stevemanics, Karliitos & Bladesman all
in third place, in second place we have Huh?What? and Niall and the winner of this years award goes to
Paul: Very well deserved I think.
Harry: And look Niall
you even got another mention, a solid second place for you!
Nick: Whilst we try and get through to Drai I am going to
announce the results of the Funniest
Member of the Year award. In third place was Arlo. In second place comes Crocoduck and the winner of this years award goes to DRAI and we have him on the line now. Good evening Drai.
Drai: Bonjour, ca va?
Nick: Yeah I am good mate, how are you feeling? Two awards
in two, you must be delirious.
Drai: I must say I didn’t expect this at all, well actually,
I’m lying, I’m a popular character and I bring a lot to the forum. These awards
are the least I deserve! Should be a few more on the way
Drai: Not really no,
just shitting you, funny guy you see
Paul: Well Drai, a
framed portrait of Arlo signed by all the team is on its way to you along with
some new walking boots.
Mark: New Paul? You
just pulled yours out of the cupboard and put them in the post because you no
longer need them now youre stuck in a wheelchair!
Harry: Well before we get on to the three big awards we have
the ones we have all been waiting for.
Tom: Think this may be your chance to shine Paul!
Karl: It better be!
Nick: Lets see shall
we. The first award here will be the Grumpiest
Member of the Year Award. In third
place is DarrenAmbrose. In second
place and no surprise is Rodney
and the winner and
hopefully not the only time Tottenham beat Arsenal this season is PAUL.
Paul: I’m not grumpy, It’s just the medication, honest.
Tom: I’m not sure anyone really believes that do they?
Mark: No they don’t
and the next award is Biggest WUM. In third place was No.8, In second place is Toony and the winner of the award goes to PAUL.
Harry: Two very well deserved awards Paul
Nick: Don’t forget
who pays your wages Harry!
Harry: Well lets see if he can make it a clean sweep then
shall we. The category is Member you
would most like to ban. It’s going
to be very close between two I feel.
Nick: I can reveal it is, in third place we have Souldefender. Looks like his opinions
have annoyed some. The top two as I am sure you will have guessed were Toony
Tom: The suspense is killing me.
Mark: Biggest award since the last dodgy penalty we got at Old Trafford
Nick: Very surprised you’d say that Mark… anyway, the winner of the award goes to TOONY. Which means that Paul must settle for second place. Not quite the perfect hat-trick the bookies had been predicting,
Paul: Yessssss…justice, I told you I was right to ban him.
Tom: Yes but if he is gone Paul then you’re the member that the public most wants to ban…
Mark: Lets not let facts get in the way of a bit of gloating eh.
Karl: Final three awards then. I think we will start with the Staff Member of the Year.
Tom: As the only non-staff member here I shall take over. So The Staff Member of the Year award sees UnitedRoadRed in third place. In second place we have Karliitos which means the winner this year is STORTS.
Nick: Ahhh, this award means so much to me, I can tell you it was ridiculously close and we couldn’t do any of the stuff we do without each other . This award is dedicated to the fantastic team we have on the forum.
Karl: I thought I might have this one in the bag but well done mate
Paul: Yeah well done Nick, here is your award and a signed copy of Tony Blair’s book.
Harry: How did you get that?
Paul: Some things you just don’t want to know Harry
Tom: Let’s move on to the penultimate award then. The Most improved member of the year.
This is always an interesting category and this year has been no different. In third place are Rosberg and Souldefender. In second place we have Huh?What? and so that leaves the winner, and very well deserved. The winner is Harry!
Harry: I CANT BELIEVE IT!
Mark: You should, you’ve done wonderful things this year, especially with FM and becoming a member of staff.
Nick: You really deserved an award and we are all glad you have won one. The members appreciate your efforts a lot.
Karl: And so it has come to this, the biggest award of the evening. I think it is only fair we let Paul announce it.
Paul: Okay, I bring to you, THE MEMBER OF THE YEAR. The scene is set and everyone is nervous.
I can reveal in third place: THE OPINION
In second place: Harry
And your winner is: A.V.F.C
Nick: And Tom wins it again! He claims the big prize to go with his earlier award.
Tom: I think I am going to have to get a bigger trophy cabinet. These awards never get old though. It’s always nice to be appreciated for doing something I love. It’s just a shame I have had to be so moody all year.
Paul: What a shocker that result is, we have some predictable members don’t we. I voted for Toony personally.
Mark: Can we go home yet?
Harry: Agreed, I have school tomorrow and need to get back to England. Anyone fancy doing some
Shakespeare with me on the plane?
Tom: The Game is up, Harry.
Nick: Come on lets go back to the airport.
And with that the awards ceremony was over for another year. There were many thrills along the way but it is time to bid you adieu and wish you a very happy 2013. If you haven’t won an award or get a mention then you need to work harder next year to make it too hard for people not to vote for you next year. You have been an absolutely wonderful audience and I invite you to be part of the post awards podcast planned in the near future.